This is NOT from ‘The Onion’, but from a daily overview in the South China Morning Post of headlines in mainland Chinese news papers, sorted per region. Something tells me there is something seriously wrong with this place.

Beijing

Avenging thieves beat soldiers
Witnesses stood by on Friday as two soldiers were seriously injured in a revenge attack by thieves, Beijing Morning Post reports. The two were kicked off a bus and attacked on a busy street by men armed with clubs after stopping a theft. (What kind of friggin soldiers do they have here? The Royal Marines they are obviously not.)

Crackdown against Olympic fakes
Authorities will launch a week-long crackdown against street peddlers selling fake Olympics mascots. Xinhua reports the campaign will shift focus from illegal manufacturers to street peddlers. (I am still waiting for a report on fake, fake selling street peddlers.)

19,000 students die each year
About 16,000 primary and secondary students and 3,000 undergraduates died in accidents around the country last year, Beijing Evening News reports. According to a report by the China Insurance Regulatory Commission, 45 per cent of the deaths were due to low safety-awareness among the students and 18 per cent due to school mismanagement.

Pickpockets pick their routes
Police have named 10 bus routes most plagued by pickpockets, saying the thefts were most likely during rush hours, Legal Evening News reports. The cross-city 728 service was one of the most pick-pocketed lines because people fell asleep on the long journeys. (Really? Thefts are most likely during rush hours? And I always thought the empty buses were the favourite target. Less chance to get caught.)

North/Northeast

Man bites dog, saves puppy
HEBEI - A man in Xingtai is believed to have rescued his pet dog from the jaws of a stray by biting the attacking dog to death, Yanzhao Metropolis News reports. The man said he first tried throwing several watermelons (he must have known what’s in them) at the bigger dog and then strangled it in a 10-minute fight. Earlier reports quoted witnesses saying he bit the dog to death.

Gunman tracked down
JILIN - Police have detained an illegal immigrant in Longjing and confiscated a rifle and 30 bullets after the suspect allegedly stole food and clothing at gunpoint last month, China Radio International reports. The man, whose age, name and nationality were not given, was captured after a three-day manhunt. (Yeah, right.)

East/Southeast

Lover murdered for bad smell
SHANGHAI - A 65-year-old man who did not like the way his 64-year-old lover smelled has been charged with murdering her because he wanted to stop her coming over to his house, Shanghai Daily reports. The woman was found alive on a neighbourhood lawn on May 27 with four stab wounds and strangulation marks but later died in hospital. (I don’t like the way about 20 million people smell in this city.)

140,000 yuan lost to ATM scam
JIANGSU - A court in Suzhou has ordered the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China to compensate a customer 30 per cent of losses he incurred after following the instructions of a notice on an automatic teller machine and transferring his money to another account, Oriental Morning Post reports. The customer followed the instructions from the bogus notice and transferred his money into a “safe” account, only to find his 140,000 yuan missing the next day. (Be a retard, and you shall be compensated.)

Central/South

Hospital fined for birth horror
HUBEI - The Wuhan Intermediate People’s Court has ordered a hospital to pay 75,000 yuan in damages after it refused to help a woman whose child died after she delivered the baby “in a hospital rubbish bin” in November, Changjiang Business News reports. The woman, who did not have enough money for the hospital admittance deposit, was left in a corridor for more than an hour and later gave birth outside. (No comment)

Father beats daughter, 2
GUANGDONG - A two-year-old girl was fighting for her life in a Shenzhen hospital after being seriously injured on the head by her father on Tuesday, Southern Metropolis News reports. The girl’s mother told doctors that the father had beaten and kicked their daughter two days previously because she would not eat. (I would like to have a few minutes alone with the ‘father’.)

Brother killed in tomb row
HENAN - A Tanghe county man, his wife and his son have been arrested for murdering the man’s brother after he tried several times to excavate their father’s tomb. The brother had blamed the tomb’s bad feng shui for his failure to find a wife, Jinri Anbao reports. The brother tried to dig open the tomb several times before the trio allegedly beat him with shovels during his last attempt, on April 1.

West

Seven die in minivan crash
GANSU - Seven people died in an explosion after a minivan crashed into a sedan on Tuesday afternoon on the Jiaan Highway, connecting Jiayuguan and Jiuquan , Lanzhou Morning Post reports. Witnesses said the explosion occurred within minutes of the crash and both vehicles were engulfed in flames. There were no survivors. (Yeah, they probably stayed in their cars, arguing and refusing to leave if they don’t get compensation. Darwin Awards material.)

Price check for cultural noodles
GANSU - Lanzhou authorities have put a price limit on its renowned beef noodles, insisting a bowl should cost no more than 2.5 yuan, China News Service reports. The price of the noodles rose to three yuan last month after the noodle-making process was listed as part of the city’s intangible cultural heritage. (I guess ‘intangible’ sums it up here.)