The complete Chinese DIY guide.

On one of the forums I frequent, somebody posted this today. And I kid you not, it is true.

For all us non DIY people, the following information may prove useful in the event of an emergency. I have compiled these solutions from first hand experience today at my house. I have it on good authority that they are completely safe and will last for years to come:

Dry rot in the kitchen… (and I mean bad dry rot, so that the skirting boards are falling off and disintegrating): cover the rotting board with a thin glued-on layer of veneer.

Faulty light in the bathroom: repair by connecting faulty wires with sellotape. Be sure to turn off the switch first, otherwise it might not be safe!

Cracks in wall of lounge: cover cracks with masking tape, and paint. This gives a wonderful texture and ‘abstract’ effect – people will admire it for years.

Missing drain cover outside: no worries if this is a problem with blocking, just walk around your house until you can find an identical one that fits, and use that to replace the missing one. Why buy a new one?

Kitchen cupboard handle broken: take a trip to your local B&Q and buy any random handle to replace the broken one. After all who wants matching cupboard handles?

Waste plumbing from bathroom basin leaking. Remove complete section of pipe without telling anyone, throw it away, after all you don’t really need it. If someone uses the basin all the waste will just drain conveniently into the cupboard below.

Moulds on bedroom walls – just splash a coat of paint over it, no-one will notice it. Just be sure to keep that paint can handy under the bed in case it re-appears in a few days time.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow when I have these wonderful workmen coming back to complete some more work. If anyone would like their contact numbers, then I’m sure I could get them for you.

Be sure to buy some air freshener though because they were working so hard, that their diddy little feet in those lovely cutie little socks got a little whiffy!


About Stranded Mariner

Marine Engineer and passionate sailor and cruiser, working in the marine business in China.
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